Parenthood: It’s ok if you don’t always like it.

Ah parenthood: This blissful experience of endless joy and connection…except when it’s not. And it’s often not. As a parent myself, I am passionate about speaking truth to power about the difficulties of life as a parent and helping parents cut themselves some slack when they aren’t madly in love with a cooing newborn or enjoying the company of their child. To illustrate my point, here’s Amy Schumer on the joy of giving birth. (Nothing graphic here folks.)

Thanksgiving: May you regress less this year than last.

Oh Thanksgiving: the food, the merriment, the destruction of native peoples, and the relatives who make you want to take that Thanksgiving carving knife and… There is a lot to say about this holiday, but this post focuses on those relatives. The ones who you may love dearly but who can drive you nuts. And every year you promise yourself you’ll do better and you won’t let them get to you but they still do! You regress and find yourself acting in ways of an earlier version of yourself. Why is this and how do you stop it?

Here’s the why: Our nervous systems are “threat detection machines,” always on the lookout for danger. Unfortunately, our nervous systems do not always appraise danger correctly. For these relatives, your system has become programmed over time to see them as threats, and so your body has both physical and intellectual reactions to their presence and their words. They are the saber tooth tigers circling your caveman tribe and you are the caveman with spears waiting for them to attack. The political, racist, or passive aggressive comments they make register like a saber tooth tiger pouncing towards us neurologically.

For people who identify as belonging to historically oppressed groups or who have had trauma, their nervous systems can be especially heightened to words and microaggressions. I want to acknowledge that the concepts and advice written here may not apply to all people because of these realities. (A topic for another post.)

To start changing this automatic reaction, you first need to know what is happening in your body, and befriend your nervous system. Start having a relationship with it and thanking it for trying to keep you safe, as misguided as it is sometimes. After all, it kept your ancestors from being eaten by those saber tooth tigers to enable you to be here today. See if you can picture your nervous system and maybe even give it a name. Then, start talking to it and telling it “There is no danger here. This is an old and outdated reaction.” Your relative’s obnoxious comment literally cannot hurt you, even though your nervous system believes it can. Notice what sensations arise in your body, and breathe. Focus on these sensations, but don’t try to change them. Simply accept them as messengers trying to protect you, and slowly breathe in and out. This nervous system reaction will pass. You can also picture in your mind a place or situation where you feel safe and calm.

You will still likely regress with these relatives and do or say something you wish you hadn’t, but you will start to regress less over time if you practice these techniques. A beloved therapist of mine once said to me before I left for my annual Thanksgiving trip: “May you regress less this year than you did last year,” and I send you that same wish. Check out this funny and short SNL sketch that captures Cecily Strong taking her own breather on Thanksgiving.